Tuesday, 25 March 2014

"Haiku" Journal for March (Part Two)

11-15. Been absent in mind,
And body. Zoning out and,
Checked out. My poor kin.

16. Family together,
Wee one kicking off all day,
Interspersed with cute.

17. Parents home from Oz,
Joy abounds, happiness here.
Happy Saint Pat's Day!

18. Poor sleep, root canal,
Dizzy spells and jaw ache joy.
Family here for tea.

19. Jaw-ache, dizzy, worn.
Cancelled work, took to bed. Caught
Cold, strong sneezes, cough.

20-24. Sick, bad and bokey,
Feel rotten, dizzy, sneezey,
Coughing, in bed, at rest.

Hubby grumpy at,
My in-bed-ness but cares still,
Bonding him and babe.

25. Determination,
It works, am better. Sis and
BIL home from Oz. Joy.

Update (April.22.14)
Stepped away from this
Pursuit of diarising.
Sad so much time lost.

New Leaf Turns

A new leaf turns once again...

I am fat.

Just over three years ago I worked to lose weight, and I did. We conceived and I grew fatter, through pregnancy. We had our beautiful baby boy and I breastfed (I still do, 28 months and counting) and I lost ALL my baby weight and then I overate and grew fat(ter).

Since Bundle I have eaten a lot and I didn't exercise and didn't do anything except "baby" for a long time and I was anxious and depressed and barely functioning for a long time. It is only now that my anxiety is greatly reduced that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but the tunnel is long people. The depression is ever present and I do a lot more but still so very little and the sugar addiction and overeating and general fatness and sloth and inertia is all consuming and well established.

This leaf to turn is a mighty big one.

On the plus side I still weigh less then I did when I started out almost 42 months ago, not by much, but a little.

So here's the three-pronged plan:

Plan A
Cut out all sweets, chocolate, desserts and excess sugar with exceptions for events (i.e. birthday cake at a birthday party). Make healthier choices. Reduce dairy consumption, no more drinking glasses of milk and much less cheese and butter.

Plan B
Measured portions for breakfast (cereal/porridge), lunch (egg/half tin beans on toast or cup-a-soup/bread) with smaller portions for tea.

Plan C
Daily walks, increased movement in general, cleaning with a vengeance and short exercise sessions (three intensive minutes on Mum's machine, dancing like a crazy person for the length of a song, stretching sessions, being active with Bundle).

Completely manageable on the condition that I break the vicious circles of eating when bored, drinking more instead of eating, sitting down in the evening in front of the television with sweets, eating away my emotions. I'd be quite happy to replace a sugar/chocolate addiction with one to cleaning, tidying, crafting - our house is definitely a home now but there are hot spots where the clutter builds up, there are lots of hidden clutter spots and lots of boxes in the attic/barn to sort through; not to mention that whilst it may be "clean dirt" our home needs a really good (spring) clean (if I could do it for Pesach that would be amazing but even making a start would be great). Cleaning and exercising in one - can you say two birds one stone.

Sidenote: I have been battling a critical spirit my whole life but it has definitely gotten worse alongside my depression, anxiety and inertia. As I don't do I am so critical of those around me (especially my husband) as they do do. With God's help perhaps I can move forward and do more and criticise less. Fear has had me in its grip for too too long - "what time I am afraid I will trust in thee, in God I will praise His name, in God I have put my trust" or thereabouts, alas Scripture memory work has fallen by the way. Something else I need to do once again, along with Bible reading study (especially with Bundle), increased water consumption, better sleep patterns, more focused learning/colouring-in/Montessori style "work" with Bundle...

Okay okay let's end on a positive, I continue to keep on top of laundry, I have improved my meal planning/cooking (though I need to be a lot more budget conscious in this area), our household seasonal decorating has definitely improved and I've gotten better about changing our bed linen more frequently.

Onwards and upwards. Less thinking, more doing.

Monday, 10 March 2014

"Haiku" Journal for March (Part One)

1. Boys here, they brought joy.
Son happy, content, in midst.
A real family day.

2. Morning church en masse,
In baby corner, love filled,
Hope for more littles.

3. Family day. Dentist,
Filled sensitive tooth. Nerve hit,
Extreme pain - no sleep.

4. Dentist take two. Nerve,
Removed. Expensive. Hub off,
For work trip. Miss him.

5. Changing seasonal,
Decorations - spring has sprung.
Son a chatterbox.

6. Hubby home, bout time,
Mama not coping with babe,
Naughty and trying.

7. Awful day, not well.
Hubby sick, big arguments,
Baby naughty too.

8. Tidied up, finished
Off spring decorating. Out
For tea, baby bad.

9. Blue day, absent mind,
There but not present, bad headaches,
Tired, always, ever.

10. Stepped outside of me,
Not wanting to look inside,
Scared of what I find.

Wednesday, 5 March 2014

Wednesday Weigh-in, Weighing-out

I'm taking a break from the weekly disappointment until I get myself in the right head-space. Noting each week how I will work harder, do more exercise, eat less junk and eat less in general and then not following through is not productive. This series will return when some motivation and willpower does.

Sunday, 2 March 2014

7 Posts in 7 Days (Sunday) - Sabbath Rest

A lovely lazy day today - a lie in for all until half eight and then as Daddy and Bundle headed off for breakfast, Mummy turned over for two more hours!

All go then with Daddy bathing Bundle - naked baby cuteness (and screams at having to get out alas) and everyone dressing and Mama eating (including a leftover slice of pizza from last night - yummy).

Morning church and sitting together in baby corner with our two year old little man, a 2YO girl and her four month old sister, another four month old girl and a year old boy. With another almost two year old nearby there were delightful murmurings of chatter and babbles and it is such a joy to hear so many of tomorrow's church (we hope and pray) in attendance today. It was lovely also to enjoy being fed spiritually as a family along with our son's partcipation, with his Amens.

We returned home for a story, milkies and naptime and after some Mummy and Daddy time (ahem) we enjoyed a family nap and a relaxed evening of dinner (slow cooker stew) and a family movie (Fantastic Mr. Fox) before bedtime stories and then some Mummy and Daddy period drama viewing time (Mr. Selfridge).

Relaxed family time. Sabbath rest.

Saturday, 1 March 2014

7 Posts in 7 Days (Saturday)

A real family day - my four nephews were round from first thing until teatime. I couldn't have done it without Hubs, allowing me time to get dressed, prepare snacks and lunch, feed and waken the baa and feed and put the baa to sleep. My nephews were by and large excellently behaved and are so sweet to their little cuz, always dragging him along with them, stepping out of their games to play with him - they are a credit to my sister and my heart swelled to see our home so full of such fine young men.

My BIL is one of six boys, raised by a very men-are-men, women-are-women Dad and whilst I agree with the traditional masculine and feminine roles, my BIL's Dad take them to an extreme. At a family buffet birthday his wife has to get his food for him - enough said I think. Anywho as a result my nephews too have always had a sense of which toys, games etc. are for girls and which are for boys. My own FIL would have fairly similar ideas - I think I could find more things in his kitchen than he could! We got our two year old son a kitchen for his birthday, a gift chosen, purchased and built by us but paid for by both sets of grandparents, (my FIL was less than delighted). On the night of the birthday party, my second and fourth nephews took to the kitchen and weren't distracted from it. Today they returned to that play with a vengeance - my Hubby and I enjoyed numerous and varied courses from roast silverside beef to mushroom soup to artful salads - it was a restaurant of course and a primary-coloured play phone proved an adequate till for the day. Outside the play was continued with much movement of the woodpile creating rooms and beds and walls and there too I was fed and watered with sticks full of gourmet grub. It is a joy to see imaginative play, a pleasure to be included in it and as I see my son beginning in it (his toy characters having baths in buckets, riding on exotic toy animals and his mimicry of our behaviour in washing dishes and cooking in his kitchen) I see a new stage entered and another passed through. It is a privilege to witness their lives and I for ne am grateful for such a day.

Even if kitchen play is considered girly ;)

We rounded out Bundle's day with a first birthday party and an early bedtime. The party was a relaxed gathering of friends, family, love and finger foods.

Then we gathered to watch the last episodes of Firefly; I'm slowly turning my husband geek :) The Serenity movie will be our final view of this much mourned series - I look forward to it.